the crisis of femininity (and masculinity)

A few years ago I had the opportunity to hear Joe Ehrmann speak at a conference. Ehrmann was an All-American football player at Syracuse University, and played in the NFL for 13 years, primarily with the Baltimore Colts. He was selected to play in the 1978 Pro Bowl. Ehrmann now resides in Baltimore and, working with his wife Paula, has founded organizations such as The Door and Building Men and Women for Others which serve needs in the community.

In 1978, Ehrmann's brother Billy died of cancer. Ehrmann shared with us that up until this point, he (Joe) had been comfortable in his understanding of who he was. But as he tried to care for Billy, he found himself completely unprepared - unable to comfort him, and ill-equipped to find words of love or hope. He began to question his assumptions and priorities about his life, and began to wonder what use his experiences had been, if they had not helped him at this most important of moments.

This brings me to the primary subject(s) of this post.

Ehrmann began to theorize that in our society, we are in both a crisis of masculinity and a crisis of femininity. Examining his own experiences, the experiences of others, and social & media expectations, he came up with a list of the "three lies" which are projected about each gender.

Lies About What it Means to Be a Man:

1. Masculinity is defined by your size, strength, and athletic ability.
2. Masculinity is defined by sexual conquest of women.
3. Masculinity is defined by economic success.

Ehrmann explained that, while trying to comfort his brother, he had been in possession of these supposed definitions of masculinity - and yet had never felt less "manly" or fulfilled or actualized. All of these supposedly essential achievements became meaningless when he was confronted by a true challenge. What use, then, are these characteristics in the grand schemes of our lives? And yet, when we examine the males held up in movies, sports, and pop culture, many of them are largely defined by these three lies; and many boys grow up fearful that not meeting these "requirements" will result in ostracization.

Lies About What it Means to Be a Woman:

1. Femininity is defined by your beauty and body type.
2. To be feminine, you must be deferring, polite, silent, and not smart. You must manipulate to have your needs met, as though you cannot ask.
3. Femininity means that you need a man to complete you.

When I (caro) examine the females most often held up in pop culture, they fit these detrimental characteristics. Girls in early elementary school often unfortunately feel the pressures of appearance and beauty, as well as the pressures to be concerned about boyfriends, etc. Female characters, arguably, who might be described as outspoken, intelligent, independent, or "not a traditional beauty" are probably relegated to the sidelines, to be the friend of the main character, the class brain, or the one that bosses everyone around. Even worse, they are the girl who gets a makeover, and turns out to be beautiful after all - it turns out that all the wonderful qualities she had before are much less meaningful than the necessity for a female to be beautiful.

Thankfully, there are many wonderful, inspirational exceptions to these "lie-based" norms out there in our world. But I worry that the problem is much deeper, and more firmly embedded in our culture than we might think.

Your thoughts? I encourage any comments or reactions, as these are subjects I am looking forward to discussing.